I promise future blogs will not be this drawn out, but this post will be about Grandma. I was going to write this in my journal, but then realized, I don't keep a journal. So anyone who happens to read this blog, I apologize you get the juicy details of the small tender mercies that I have seen over the past week, and recognize this is by far longer than anyone would like to read. Feel free to skip ahead to any pictures. They are more fun!
After a year of skipping Thanksgiving in Arizona, I didn't think it would be possible to make the trip down this year. My grandma's condition has only worsened since last year. We were all making plans to have Thanksgiving in Utah. Then I got a phone call from my mom offering to have us go down, and stay at a home my parents were going to rent for Thanksgiving. It didn't take much convincing us, we were off. After several different "plans" of leaving times and dates and vehicles, we finally made the trip down with Dean, Lincoln, my sister Jodi and her two kids. We left Tuesday afternoon and arrived at 3:00 Wednesday morning. It would be a nice lie to say the kids enjoyed the ride. But we all woke up early the next morning, and everyone was happy to be there. We laid by the pool, went to the park, and really enjoyed the Arizona sun. We finally made it over to see GG and GGpa when it seemed like a good time for Grandma. She has been confined to her bed for several months now, and had some nurses over giving her a shower at our first try to visit. Though frail weak and tired, it was great to see her,She still had her whit, humor and appreciation for life. It was easy to see that she was glad to see us. She talked about the her birds of paradise flower that she loves so much, and was sure to point out the picture of Lincoln she keeps in her room. I don't want to think my kid is her favorite baby, but his smiling mug happens to be the only picture of anyone in her room. Admittedly, he does have a contagious smile and she commented on how his picture ALWAYS makes her smile. I looked up at the picture positioned perfectly in her view, and I'll admit, he made me smile too.
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She also congratulated me on Lincoln's little brother who will be coming soon, and when I held her hand, she kept commenting on how cold my hands were. Well, I was in Arizona, and my hands weren't terribly cold, but she requested I place them on her head because it felt to good to her. We woke her up by our visit, and it was easy to see that she was quite tired so we let her rest and then we had a good chat with Grandpa.
Thanksgiving morning, Jodi and I headed back over to the house to set the table the way we know grandma likes it. When we got there at 10:00 in the morning. Grandma was at her computer doing her family search indexing.
Well we made it to Thanksgiving Dinner at 4:05. Dinner was supposed to start at 4:00. My grandparents were in the living room waiting for us, my grandma had asked uncle Jeff, "when is everyone going to get here?" His response "they're coming" Grandma "so is Spring" Yep, still witty.
We had a great dinner. Jeff, Linda, Stuart, Allison and their families were all there. Jodi, her family, Troy, his family, my parents and my family completed the meal. After the meal, there were rides in the golf cart for the great grandchildren courtesy of my mother. Then on to pie. I decided to get in on the adult table and watched my grandparents finish their meals. I noticed my grandma was trying so hard to get some water out of her straw, but couldn't get the straw to her mouth. She said nothing, but I could tell she was frustrated. I walked over to help, when Jeff noticed and helped her. Jeff asked her a series of questions of things she would like to make her more comfortable, and he finally concluded she was ready to go back to bed. We all finished our pie, cleaned up dinner and left my parents at the home with Jeff, Linda and Grandpa to make some assessments and decisions.
Our visit on Friday was short and sweet. I took my turn talking to Grandma, but she was pretty tired, so we let her sleep while we spent most of our day at the park...again.
On Saturday my mom was on duty to look after my grandma while Jeff and Linda took a day off. We planned to go visit that morning, and received a text from my mother with a "heads up" that grandma is no longer responsive, but that we were welcome to come over and visit. When we arrived we all went into her room and she opened her eyes to see Lincoln and I, but didn't say anything. Lincoln was a good boy and waved at her when she looked at him.
We let grandma rest for a while and went out to entertain kids and I had the chance to talk to my grandpa. I love that man so much and can only imagine how he must be feeling. He told me he had already had a few good cries in and the more he talked, the closer he was to breaking down again. He told me he couldn't bring himself to open their wedding book and see that beautiful lady. We reminisced and changed the subject before the tears escaped either of us. In the mean time the hospice nurse came over and assessed my grandma's situation. She told us she was not yet in her final hours as her vitals and responses were normal. She did explain that it was time to allow her body to wind down. She gave grandma some morphine and taught the caretakers how to use it. She told them it was now time to worry about her comfort. Because she couldn't swallow, it was too dangerous to give her any other medications. Before we left that afternoon, I found myself next to grandma alone in her bedroom and holding her hand. I spoke to her for at least five minutes. After several minutes, she opened her eyes and looked at me for the last couple of minutes. I could tell she had something to say, but didn't have the energy to say it. With all of her strength, she found the energy to mutter "Brynley" and move her hand. It was almost all I could handle, it was such a sweet moment in my life. I knew she had heard everything I told her, and she knew exactly who I was, just didn't have the energy to respond with more words, but it was plenty for me to know that I was loved by her. My turn with grandma was over and I held back tears until I left the room, and was overwhelmed by the memories, love and gratitude for every piece of my sweet grandma. We again left my mother, and grandpa with her and we went to see Santa Clause with the kids and then back to the house to let the kids take their naps.
We returned to Grandma's house on Saturday night because we were leaving for Utah first thing in the morning. We had a great time talking with grandpa. I played my recital piece from 7th grade for grandpa and he seemed amused enough. Jodi jumped in and played some one finger tunes and we sang songs, played the piano and danced with the kids.
Lincoln put on his own show that night. He was walking around the room and tripped on the rug falling within an inch from hitting his head on the coffee table. As soon as he realized the attention he got from the fall, he walked around the room tripping himself just to get a reaction from everyone, and you bet he got a good reaction. Gosh he's a cute kid.
After at least a half hour of chatting, singing, laughing and having a good time, Lincoln suddenly made a move for grandma's room. It was almost as though he just remembered she was in there and missing out on the fun. When I went back to get him, he was standing at the foot of her bed waiving at her. He just wanted to say hello. She slept through his hello's but he didn't seem to care. I tried to have him give her a kiss, but he just kept waiving, and grandma just kept resting...back to the living room for more fun talking and reminiscing.
Later my mom took Lincoln back with Jodi to check on grandma. She also held him over her to give her a kiss, but he grinned at her and just waived. Then Grandma opened her eyes when Lincoln was within 10 inches of her face. She recognized him and gave him a huge grin. Then she moved her hand to try to wave back at him. She was thrilled to wake up to my sweet baby looking at her and waiving. In my biased opinion he had brightened her day, and everyone else's in the room to see a smile on my grandma's face. She quickly tired again and went back to sleep.
As I spoke with Grandpa again, he said, he couldn't believe how fast she had gone downhill. It was just a couple of days ago she was at her computer doing her extraction work, now this...he also told me how happy he was that she was going the way she was. He used the word dignity to be in her own home in her own bed and that her body was just slowly shutting down. "Death doesn't seem so bad when it's like this" he told me. "This is the way it should happen." I can only imagine what he is going through, but it was comforting to me to hear him speak like this.
It was difficult to leave that night, knowing we wouldn't be back to see her alive. But completely comforted to know that she would soon be leaving her fragile, ill, mortal body behind and able to go be with her son Gary, parents, siblings and others she loved who have already passed on. How grateful I am for the plan of salvation and to know that I too will be at the end of my journey and it'll be ok because grandma will be there waiting for me...and loving me the whole time.
We drove safely home, and grandma's responsiveness continued to decrease.
Lincoln had no problem getting back into his routine at home and was happy to have his crib back. On Monday night I had a training for volleyball and went to bed only to be woken up by my nightly urge to use the restroom. I got up around 2:50 and came back to bed. Just as I got into bed, my phone rang with a text from my mother. My grandma had passed away at 2:27 a.m. on Tuesday November 27th. I texted with my mother who told me that Grandpa had gone into her room by himself on Monday and told her it was okay for her to move on, and go see her son Gary and her family. "she did as he suggested" and I am positive she is so happy to see her parents and child again.
On Tuesday night we set up our Christmas tree and decorations in our home, it was a sobering time as I watched Lincoln play with the lights and get so excited to see the lights on the tree. Then to put up the nativity that grandma had given me for Christmas so many years ago. One decoration after another, were memories of Grandma. She had crafted so many of the Christmas decorations that now adorn my home. I am so grateful for Grandma's generosity, thoughtfulness, and ability to know what would mean so much to me so many years later. I don't think it was a coincidence we set up Christmas in my home the same day she passed away. I love you grandma, I miss you, and so grateful for your example and so many wonderful memories.
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